Somewhere in the night, a dog barks. A hoarse staccato of desperation, rhythmic and repeated, in the convulsively petering pattern of shuddering sobs.
...
I was surprised to find myself imperceptibly roused from vanishing moments of a delicious sleep.
Consciousness resurrects emotional exhaustion.
Old betrayal, mingling into a complex confusion that I counter by grasping at a resolution. Refusing to think. Thought is pointless.
I reach for sleep.
But it goes on. The tormented canine.
It bars my return.
Until it ceases, finally, an age later, probably from exhaustion and hopelessness.
I return gratefully to the arms of slumber.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Friday, May 22, 2009
The Unbearable Vapidity of Being
I am cloyed.
This is no indictment on the bevvy of gorgeous creatures arrayed upon the sofa opposite me, who I'm sure are lovely people individually, but the collective soprano trilling of feminity is oppressive. Inasmuch as an unbearably airy lightness of triviality can be stomach-churningly oppressive.
It is very nearly puke-making. I feel entirely out of place, and am excruciatingly grateful for the undemanding, unintrusive company of my latest beau, the VAIO P, which gives me some sort of socially-acceptable excuse to zone out into a little bubble of my own while apparently sharing the same communal space.
I feel a viscereal sympathy pang when the males in the group announce that they are going for a testonsterone break- ostensibly an excuse to smoke, but really, the super-female whinnying about gym workouts, kitten heels, distasteful personal quirks, other females, wedding decorations, and a variety of FeatherLite(TM) topics so throughly teflon that they slip past my comprehension radar without trace... I'm sorry, the effort taken to actually bring to mind the items on that list was... tremendous. Oh yes, and spas and shopping.
Honestly however, the men are probably not all that much different. Under a veneer of human normmalcy, I get the feeling they're probably even more vapid. Just not as high pitched and somewhat less immaculately groomed.
Okay. So perhaps I was wrong. I'm not turning female after all.
There is, irritatingly, a touch of misplaced smug pride about this. A "Thank god I'm not like that and don't fit in" which I have no reason to feel, seeing as how divinely beautiful these radiant, slender long-haired beauties are.
What's the point of this rambling?
Primarily to keep myself occupied in this sofa chair for a few more moments, and that's about all.
This is no indictment on the bevvy of gorgeous creatures arrayed upon the sofa opposite me, who I'm sure are lovely people individually, but the collective soprano trilling of feminity is oppressive. Inasmuch as an unbearably airy lightness of triviality can be stomach-churningly oppressive.
It is very nearly puke-making. I feel entirely out of place, and am excruciatingly grateful for the undemanding, unintrusive company of my latest beau, the VAIO P, which gives me some sort of socially-acceptable excuse to zone out into a little bubble of my own while apparently sharing the same communal space.
I feel a viscereal sympathy pang when the males in the group announce that they are going for a testonsterone break- ostensibly an excuse to smoke, but really, the super-female whinnying about gym workouts, kitten heels, distasteful personal quirks, other females, wedding decorations, and a variety of FeatherLite(TM) topics so throughly teflon that they slip past my comprehension radar without trace... I'm sorry, the effort taken to actually bring to mind the items on that list was... tremendous. Oh yes, and spas and shopping.
Honestly however, the men are probably not all that much different. Under a veneer of human normmalcy, I get the feeling they're probably even more vapid. Just not as high pitched and somewhat less immaculately groomed.
Okay. So perhaps I was wrong. I'm not turning female after all.
There is, irritatingly, a touch of misplaced smug pride about this. A "Thank god I'm not like that and don't fit in" which I have no reason to feel, seeing as how divinely beautiful these radiant, slender long-haired beauties are.
What's the point of this rambling?
Primarily to keep myself occupied in this sofa chair for a few more moments, and that's about all.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Dis-jointed discursive.
Major blog-break. Hrm.
Major news, minor news, and un-news.
Been out of the country for the better part of the past 2 months, mostly in Oman, but also in Bahrain and Qatar. Also been dropped into a whirlwind of dis-activity (yes, as opposed to non-activity; think about it- be befuddled) which has robbed me of my regularly scheduled pursuits. I feel very unproductive and unexercised. I sorely miss badminton (and am in no shape to play after months of sustained disexercise), and have been missing Poets activs, which reconvened and rejuvened Slam in my absence. (Quite happy that stuff is still happening and balls are still rolling and all that. Just frustrated at my lack of involvement for the time being. Must be turning male, experiencing dis-ability to multitask.)
I will be traveling again shortly (and will be away another for the better part of the NEXT two months but as usual it is unclear exactly on what date and will in all likelihood be sudden-departure) to which event I post this remarkably un-funny Piglet & Pooh sketch that arrived in my spambox.
All hail disfunctionality. and pig flu.
In other news, I am seeing someone.
In yet other news, it never rains, but it pours.
Fortune cookie;
One has cause to be distressed, displeased and discomfited by the actions of an acquaintance.
Disinclined to disclose disappointing details.
Bah.
On a brighter note, latest craft passion sated:
The
Furoshiki Bag
Very happy with it, may post photos if can find a moment to snap & upload.
More furoshiki:
Major news, minor news, and un-news.
Been out of the country for the better part of the past 2 months, mostly in Oman, but also in Bahrain and Qatar. Also been dropped into a whirlwind of dis-activity (yes, as opposed to non-activity; think about it- be befuddled) which has robbed me of my regularly scheduled pursuits. I feel very unproductive and unexercised. I sorely miss badminton (and am in no shape to play after months of sustained disexercise), and have been missing Poets activs, which reconvened and rejuvened Slam in my absence. (Quite happy that stuff is still happening and balls are still rolling and all that. Just frustrated at my lack of involvement for the time being. Must be turning male, experiencing dis-ability to multitask.)
I will be traveling again shortly (and will be away another for the better part of the NEXT two months but as usual it is unclear exactly on what date and will in all likelihood be sudden-departure) to which event I post this remarkably un-funny Piglet & Pooh sketch that arrived in my spambox.
All hail disfunctionality. and pig flu.
In other news, I am seeing someone.
In yet other news, it never rains, but it pours.
Fortune cookie;
One has cause to be distressed, displeased and discomfited by the actions of an acquaintance.
Disinclined to disclose disappointing details.
Bah.
On a brighter note, latest craft passion sated:
The
Furoshiki Bag
Very happy with it, may post photos if can find a moment to snap & upload.
More furoshiki:
Monday, January 26, 2009
I call you Friend
You
there
Stay
in the periphery of my orbit
neither coming too close
(so gravities attraction causes collision and violence)
nor straying too far
(where we drift apart and vanish from the radar-- completely, as though neither ever existed)
We beings
must
make all our journeys alone
ultimately
It is
the Way
of things
and we hope for more
only to our eternal disappointment
and despair
But
Thank
You
for the little-kindness
of your current presence
That tides me over
A stabilising moon
A star to navigate by
when it chance
our orbits cross
.
there
Stay
in the periphery of my orbit
neither coming too close
(so gravities attraction causes collision and violence)
nor straying too far
(where we drift apart and vanish from the radar-- completely, as though neither ever existed)
We beings
must
make all our journeys alone
ultimately
It is
the Way
of things
and we hope for more
only to our eternal disappointment
and despair
But
Thank
You
for the little-kindness
of your current presence
That tides me over
A stabilising moon
A star to navigate by
when it chance
our orbits cross
.
Sanctum
Take a look at the current blog header photo.
Tell me what you see.
And maybe what it makes you feel.
No, really. You.
Without thinking too much about it, or wondering what other people might say.
Honestly.
Tell me what you see.
And maybe what it makes you feel.
No, really. You.
Without thinking too much about it, or wondering what other people might say.
Honestly.
Over and Over and Over Again
Why do people never learn? Regardless of the books of example and insight that they read, the spiritual paths they pursue or the prayers they pray, or the meditation they do, why do people never learn?
A flippant definition of madness says it is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
Well let me out of this madhouse.
I'll live alone and be normal, for the only way to be normal is to live inside your own paradigm of normality and let nobody else impinge upon it, or get permanently close enough to show up your incongruities.
Too sensitive a temperament. I am not cut out for the necessary unpleasantries and unnecessary stresses of extended living in close quarters. Forget family life.
Loneliness is a pleasanter and infinitely more escapable option than the uncontemplatable hell of relationships.
A flippant definition of madness says it is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
Well let me out of this madhouse.
I'll live alone and be normal, for the only way to be normal is to live inside your own paradigm of normality and let nobody else impinge upon it, or get permanently close enough to show up your incongruities.
Too sensitive a temperament. I am not cut out for the necessary unpleasantries and unnecessary stresses of extended living in close quarters. Forget family life.
Loneliness is a pleasanter and infinitely more escapable option than the uncontemplatable hell of relationships.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Political parties against partying
Honestly, some "political" parties have nothing better to do than to look for transparently provocative, semi-plausible lame rationales to complain about the evils of western popular entertainment.
Such vigilance. Commendable.
Coupled with such supreme unconcern for the detrimental impact on the country's hard-earned moderate, welcoming image. What an excellently Machiavellian manner to wreak revenge upon the central government's channeling of budgetary expenditure on frivolities like "Malaysia, Truly Asia!" (oh, instead of maybe perhaps funding infrastructure for said political party's state...)
But really. Stretching things to a fine point on the matter of principle about Rihanna's US taxpayer status as a key in funding the Gaza war??? Times certainly are changing, now that our political parties are starting to listen, show concern, keep up with current affairs, the movements of world news. Why not put that admirable mental effort towards contributing alternative methods of attracting foreign wealth into the country, instead of broadcasting the resounding emptiness of their tempurung-frog tin-cans?
Agitating for visiting entertainment imports from a different cultural paradigm to conform to flagrantly narrow ideas of sexual propriety obviously Ranks Very High the party political agenda. Brilliant political publicity strategy, since it's actually an excellent way to attract headline attention. Especially since the more attractive the celebrity performer, the more people will notice.
(Whatever happened to respecting the right to socio-cultural differences in a progressive, modern, multicultural society?)
But hey, for all the effort involved, why not agitate for better Islamic financial system transparency in aiding hard-core poor, boosting the economy by redistributing wealth? Or you know, something suitably sensible, like that.
Do wonders for the image of the said party.
I might even start voting for them.
Malaysian Islamic party wants ban on 'sexy' Rihanna concert: report
Malaysia's conservative Islamic party has called for R&B sensation Rihanna to be banned from performing here next month, saying her outfits are too sexy, a report said Wednesday.
The Pan-Malaysian Islamic party (PAS), which has mounted protests against the United States over its support of Israel, said that concertgoers would also contribute to an outflow of local currency to the United States.
"Whether Rihanna realises it or not, we know that the taxes she has paid also contributed to the war in Gaza," Kamaruzaman Mohamad, a PAS youth wing leader, told the Star daily.
Kamaruzaman said that the show planned for February 13, part of Rihanna's "Good Girl Gone Bad" tour, would be an insult to Asian values as she often performed suggestively and wore skimpy outfits.
The event was "akin to insulting Eastern culture, belittling local artistes, internationally causing losses to the country's economy and supporting Israel's war policy, which is supported by America," he said.
Kamaruzaman urged authorities who issue concert permits in Muslim-majority Malaysia to reject the organiser's application.
The concert's sponsor told the daily that Rihanna has agreed to follow local regulations for her performance but did not give details.
US singer Beyonce scrapped a planned concert in Malaysia last year due to fears of protests, while Gwen Stefani went ahead with a performance but was forced to cover up after complaints about her outfits.
PAS also mounted protests against Canadian rocker Avril Lavigne's concert last year after failing to have it banned, saying her performance would weaken the younger generation "morally and mentally."
Such vigilance. Commendable.
Coupled with such supreme unconcern for the detrimental impact on the country's hard-earned moderate, welcoming image. What an excellently Machiavellian manner to wreak revenge upon the central government's channeling of budgetary expenditure on frivolities like "Malaysia, Truly Asia!" (oh, instead of maybe perhaps funding infrastructure for said political party's state...)
But really. Stretching things to a fine point on the matter of principle about Rihanna's US taxpayer status as a key in funding the Gaza war??? Times certainly are changing, now that our political parties are starting to listen, show concern, keep up with current affairs, the movements of world news. Why not put that admirable mental effort towards contributing alternative methods of attracting foreign wealth into the country, instead of broadcasting the resounding emptiness of their tempurung-frog tin-cans?
Agitating for visiting entertainment imports from a different cultural paradigm to conform to flagrantly narrow ideas of sexual propriety obviously Ranks Very High the party political agenda. Brilliant political publicity strategy, since it's actually an excellent way to attract headline attention. Especially since the more attractive the celebrity performer, the more people will notice.
(Whatever happened to respecting the right to socio-cultural differences in a progressive, modern, multicultural society?)
But hey, for all the effort involved, why not agitate for better Islamic financial system transparency in aiding hard-core poor, boosting the economy by redistributing wealth? Or you know, something suitably sensible, like that.
Do wonders for the image of the said party.
I might even start voting for them.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Bah, humbug
I have lost faith with the story project. I feel so uninspired. I feel so... I feel so... blah.
I want to start a different new story but there is no time. In fact, I need to have finished already.
I just want to curl up in a little ball and sleep and sleep and sleep and maybe play badminton.
And then sleep.
I want to start a different new story but there is no time. In fact, I need to have finished already.
I just want to curl up in a little ball and sleep and sleep and sleep and maybe play badminton.
And then sleep.
Thank God for Salsa Sundays!
Was feeling a bit down and distressed on Sunday evening so after family dinner, hopped over to check out the Salsa Sunday at Frontera. The venue's wood-grain tile floor is surprisingly VERY danceable, and Sundays do seem to bring out the funnest party people :) It's too bad I had to leave early to be in bed by midnight, in deference to the following morning's 6am wake-up time for Tai Chi! Which means I only had about 1 hour dancing time, 10:30 - 11:30pm. On the plus side, that was the shortest commute ever.
Ah well :) Looking forward to hitting it again after Chinese New Year.
...
Incidental observation. I notice I am needing a lot of comfort food lately. Chocolate, in particular, which I had mostly given up.
This can't be a good sign. Even if Tai Chi is continuing to tone my leg muscles nicely, and beginning to put a tan on me.
Well, going home for CNY. Can't wait to go kayaking.
Better than comfort food, that's for sure.
Ah well :) Looking forward to hitting it again after Chinese New Year.
...
Incidental observation. I notice I am needing a lot of comfort food lately. Chocolate, in particular, which I had mostly given up.
This can't be a good sign. Even if Tai Chi is continuing to tone my leg muscles nicely, and beginning to put a tan on me.
Well, going home for CNY. Can't wait to go kayaking.
Better than comfort food, that's for sure.
Monday, January 19, 2009
Love Is Delusion
I've been putting off writing down the gist this post for ages. This is a largely unstructured and sloppy rant by someone pressed for time. You have been warned.
I no longer believe in Love. Cupid is a shallow little trickster, a cheap, contemptible illusionist, a faithless little demon of delusion.
No, I'm afraid I'm not being cynical.
Cynicism would be a relief, because it cynicism implies a bitterness which prevents one from seeing things as they really are, which means things are probably not really all that grim in reality.
Unfortunately, I'm just a realist.
...
We all believe in finding Love, SOMEDAY.
And in looking for it, we all have to believe, that we're selfless, we're the good guy, we're pursuing our higher purpose, seeking meaning in life, searching for the One perfect team-mate for me, the one I can care about, look after, give all my love and affection to. The one whom I can open my heart and soul to, be truly ME with. Be completely naked with.
(The alternative doesn't really bear thinking about. The alternative is unmentionable, and never occurs in any of society's contemporary narratives. The alternative is being left behind alone and loveless and unloved, forever, until we die. As far as popular culture is concerned, this alternative doesn't really exist. It's like the bogeyman under the bed. IF you don't think about it, it will go away. What you don't know can't hurt you.)
...
Counter-intuitively; Buddhist philosophy notes that Romantic Love is the ultimate selfishness.
Unfortunately, the Buddhists have it right.
It's really about finding someone we think measures up to our standards, who can Love us back the way we can Love them. To make us feel good about ourselves. We deserve to be Loved by someone like that.
And when the illusion of that ideal person who should love us back finally wears off, that's the end of our Love.
That's why it takes a certain level of delusion to remain in a relationship.
Relationships break down when that level of delusion can't be maintained.
...
I used to believe what they tell you, that real relationships take work. Commitment. Dedication. That you have to work at them to make them work.
(In hindsight. That's SO motivation-speak, isn't it? Should have smelt the stink of it a mile away. Clever, deep, soul-searching nonsense little cliches like that have self-help-motivation-guru stamped all over them. )
The truth is, 90% of them JUST DON'T WORK.
Forget consideration. Forget patience. And kindness, and forbearance, and compassion. Communication. And all that jazz. When the LIKE runs out, the relationship is dead. And there is nothing you can humanly do to restart it. Like an expired car battery five minutes before you're due to be at an important meeting, the only thing to do is panic, vehemently hurl any expletives your temporarily stress-enhanced vocabulary presents, then run out and look for a whole new one.
...
Almost everywhere I turn I see relationships in a mess. Relationships you believed in, thought would work, between good people who made serious commitments together.
And then suddenly for 9 out of 10, you discover they're going through messy breakups over irreconcilable issues. Human mistakes gone big.
Oh everyone makes mistakes. We're all human. It's bad enough having to live with your own mistakes for the rest of your life. But someone else's?
...
True life scenarios.
Y: I can't accept that. We were already planning a life together. How could you not tell me about this issue? What kind of person ARE you?
X: *looks mutely at Y in response*
Memorable items off the recently-heard menu. Take your pick, maybe add a few.
X had been:
a) playing some risky stock/money/futures market investments in order to finance the home they bought together
b) sleeping around with other partners
c) irrationally prejudiced against Y's handicapped sibling
d) unable to cope with the idea of a long distance relationship
e) unable to accept Y's weight gain
f) disappointed at Y's lack of career progression
g) married (to someone else)
h) etc ad nauseum
...
Most of the people in relationships who seem to be staying together are the ones who don't have a choice.
Pep Talk
S1: So tell me, are your parents happy? I know sure as hell mine aren't.
S2: My folks are good.
S1: That's great, because mine don't really talk to each other.
S2: My folks still love each other. They fight, over the stupidest things sometimes, but deep down, they know that they love each other.
S1: You know, I think people from our parents generation, they stay together because they don't feel they have a choice.
S2: They did a study, they found that all these old married couples, and interviewed them. And everything that they do just kills the other. There was this guy they interviewed, and he was saying, he can't stand what his wife does, he can't stand it. The way she walks to her car with the shopping. The way she fumbles in her handbag looking for the keys. The way she takes her keys out. The sound of her jiggling the key in the door. He hates it. It just kills him. But they're still together.
S1: Doesn't that prove my point? That long-term relationships don't work? And you're telling me, you still believe in love?
S2: Well, yes, because people still stay together. They stay together for the kids. Or they stay together for each other. Maybe they can't stand each other, but they still love each other on some other level, and they still care about each other. And they are scared of the alternative, they are scared to be alone.
S1: Exactly.
S2: You can't just give up on love- you can't give up on relationships. You say, why get into a relationship knowing it isn't going to work- or why get married knowing you're going to get a divorce. People... people get married sometimes KNOWING they're going to get a divorce, but they still get married anyway. Most of the people I know have been divorced. And if you ask me, about my relationships, the ones that ended, I would do it all again. I remember the good times. The good things about the person.
S1: That's a different way to look at things. I can't do that.
...
If we had a choice, would we stay in a psychologically painful, tortuous situation?
I don't think anyone who had a real choice would stick it out. I think part of the reason we see more divorce these days is that we just seem to have more choices.
The one-partner-for-life model doesn't necessarily work for the whole population the way it's supposed to. We're conditioned to believe it does. We're evolved and bred to believe we're looking for it.
No wonder rich, successful, beautiful, powerful people can't seem to stay married.
We're not built for it.
We're built to keep on looking though.
And to keep procreating in the process.
(The ones who give up, like me, don't reproduce. Possibly we become celibate monks & nuns, and then we die out. Maybe that's why all the religious institutions keep complaining that there are so few professional religious people left. Eventually, we'll all die out and the straitlaced religions will have to change the rules to allow sex and/or marriage just so they can still have any priests/nuns/monks at all. Maybe even re-evolve some Bacchanalian celebrations to balance out all that repression they've had going.)
So the majority of the human race, we evolve this impassable blind spot, this powerful drive to be in this wonderful place called Love.
And every failed relationship is just another one to be forgotten.
...
When relationships fail, we keep looking to the next Love to fix the damage done.
That's never going to happen. Nobody cares. They're not THERE to fix you. They're there to feel good about themselves. Or for the sex. Or whatever. Getting into relationships looking to fix the damage from the last one is a great way to get yourself more damaged. That's counter-intuitive too, but it's true.
You want fixing? There are no shortcuts. You just got to do it yourself.
...
I don't get it. I just don't. Doesn't anyone learn? We just keep slamming into the same damn brick walls, over and over, thinking, it'll be different next time. Next time, it'll be the One.
...*SLAM*...*SHATTER*...*SMASH*
...
Right. So now I know how it works.
Ironically, my emotions are still coded to a majority monopoly OS I don't want to use, that everyone worships. It's worse than being pro-PC in a roomful of rabid MAC-colytes. It's worse than being on Linux.
I'm so trapped.
You know there's this story of a wise man who came down from isolation in the mountains to find that everyone had gone mad from drinking poisoned well water? In the story, he gives up and drinks the water in the end.
The worst irony. Deep down on some irrefutable, illogical, emotional level, I just want to be proved wrong. I have no faith in people, I have no faith in love. But I want to be proved wrong.
God help me.
Oh wait, I don't believe in God that way, either.
Looks like all I got is the Holy Trinity of me, myself, and I.
I no longer believe in Love. Cupid is a shallow little trickster, a cheap, contemptible illusionist, a faithless little demon of delusion.
No, I'm afraid I'm not being cynical.
Cynicism would be a relief, because it cynicism implies a bitterness which prevents one from seeing things as they really are, which means things are probably not really all that grim in reality.
Unfortunately, I'm just a realist.
...
We all believe in finding Love, SOMEDAY.
And in looking for it, we all have to believe, that we're selfless, we're the good guy, we're pursuing our higher purpose, seeking meaning in life, searching for the One perfect team-mate for me, the one I can care about, look after, give all my love and affection to. The one whom I can open my heart and soul to, be truly ME with. Be completely naked with.
(The alternative doesn't really bear thinking about. The alternative is unmentionable, and never occurs in any of society's contemporary narratives. The alternative is being left behind alone and loveless and unloved, forever, until we die. As far as popular culture is concerned, this alternative doesn't really exist. It's like the bogeyman under the bed. IF you don't think about it, it will go away. What you don't know can't hurt you.)
...
Counter-intuitively; Buddhist philosophy notes that Romantic Love is the ultimate selfishness.
Unfortunately, the Buddhists have it right.
It's really about finding someone we think measures up to our standards, who can Love us back the way we can Love them. To make us feel good about ourselves. We deserve to be Loved by someone like that.
And when the illusion of that ideal person who should love us back finally wears off, that's the end of our Love.
That's why it takes a certain level of delusion to remain in a relationship.
Relationships break down when that level of delusion can't be maintained.
...
I used to believe what they tell you, that real relationships take work. Commitment. Dedication. That you have to work at them to make them work.
(In hindsight. That's SO motivation-speak, isn't it? Should have smelt the stink of it a mile away. Clever, deep, soul-searching nonsense little cliches like that have self-help-motivation-guru stamped all over them. )
The truth is, 90% of them JUST DON'T WORK.
Forget consideration. Forget patience. And kindness, and forbearance, and compassion. Communication. And all that jazz. When the LIKE runs out, the relationship is dead. And there is nothing you can humanly do to restart it. Like an expired car battery five minutes before you're due to be at an important meeting, the only thing to do is panic, vehemently hurl any expletives your temporarily stress-enhanced vocabulary presents, then run out and look for a whole new one.
...
Almost everywhere I turn I see relationships in a mess. Relationships you believed in, thought would work, between good people who made serious commitments together.
And then suddenly for 9 out of 10, you discover they're going through messy breakups over irreconcilable issues. Human mistakes gone big.
Oh everyone makes mistakes. We're all human. It's bad enough having to live with your own mistakes for the rest of your life. But someone else's?
...
True life scenarios.
Y: I can't accept that. We were already planning a life together. How could you not tell me about this issue? What kind of person ARE you?
X: *looks mutely at Y in response*
Memorable items off the recently-heard menu. Take your pick, maybe add a few.
X had been:
a) playing some risky stock/money/futures market investments in order to finance the home they bought together
b) sleeping around with other partners
c) irrationally prejudiced against Y's handicapped sibling
d) unable to cope with the idea of a long distance relationship
e) unable to accept Y's weight gain
f) disappointed at Y's lack of career progression
g) married (to someone else)
h) etc ad nauseum
...
Most of the people in relationships who seem to be staying together are the ones who don't have a choice.
Pep Talk
S1: So tell me, are your parents happy? I know sure as hell mine aren't.
S2: My folks are good.
S1: That's great, because mine don't really talk to each other.
S2: My folks still love each other. They fight, over the stupidest things sometimes, but deep down, they know that they love each other.
S1: You know, I think people from our parents generation, they stay together because they don't feel they have a choice.
S2: They did a study, they found that all these old married couples, and interviewed them. And everything that they do just kills the other. There was this guy they interviewed, and he was saying, he can't stand what his wife does, he can't stand it. The way she walks to her car with the shopping. The way she fumbles in her handbag looking for the keys. The way she takes her keys out. The sound of her jiggling the key in the door. He hates it. It just kills him. But they're still together.
S1: Doesn't that prove my point? That long-term relationships don't work? And you're telling me, you still believe in love?
S2: Well, yes, because people still stay together. They stay together for the kids. Or they stay together for each other. Maybe they can't stand each other, but they still love each other on some other level, and they still care about each other. And they are scared of the alternative, they are scared to be alone.
S1: Exactly.
S2: You can't just give up on love- you can't give up on relationships. You say, why get into a relationship knowing it isn't going to work- or why get married knowing you're going to get a divorce. People... people get married sometimes KNOWING they're going to get a divorce, but they still get married anyway. Most of the people I know have been divorced. And if you ask me, about my relationships, the ones that ended, I would do it all again. I remember the good times. The good things about the person.
S1: That's a different way to look at things. I can't do that.
...
If we had a choice, would we stay in a psychologically painful, tortuous situation?
I don't think anyone who had a real choice would stick it out. I think part of the reason we see more divorce these days is that we just seem to have more choices.
The one-partner-for-life model doesn't necessarily work for the whole population the way it's supposed to. We're conditioned to believe it does. We're evolved and bred to believe we're looking for it.
No wonder rich, successful, beautiful, powerful people can't seem to stay married.
We're not built for it.
We're built to keep on looking though.
And to keep procreating in the process.
(The ones who give up, like me, don't reproduce. Possibly we become celibate monks & nuns, and then we die out. Maybe that's why all the religious institutions keep complaining that there are so few professional religious people left. Eventually, we'll all die out and the straitlaced religions will have to change the rules to allow sex and/or marriage just so they can still have any priests/nuns/monks at all. Maybe even re-evolve some Bacchanalian celebrations to balance out all that repression they've had going.)
So the majority of the human race, we evolve this impassable blind spot, this powerful drive to be in this wonderful place called Love.
And every failed relationship is just another one to be forgotten.
...
When relationships fail, we keep looking to the next Love to fix the damage done.
That's never going to happen. Nobody cares. They're not THERE to fix you. They're there to feel good about themselves. Or for the sex. Or whatever. Getting into relationships looking to fix the damage from the last one is a great way to get yourself more damaged. That's counter-intuitive too, but it's true.
You want fixing? There are no shortcuts. You just got to do it yourself.
...
I don't get it. I just don't. Doesn't anyone learn? We just keep slamming into the same damn brick walls, over and over, thinking, it'll be different next time. Next time, it'll be the One.
...*SLAM*...*SHATTER*...*SMASH*
...
Right. So now I know how it works.
Ironically, my emotions are still coded to a majority monopoly OS I don't want to use, that everyone worships. It's worse than being pro-PC in a roomful of rabid MAC-colytes. It's worse than being on Linux.
I'm so trapped.
You know there's this story of a wise man who came down from isolation in the mountains to find that everyone had gone mad from drinking poisoned well water? In the story, he gives up and drinks the water in the end.
The worst irony. Deep down on some irrefutable, illogical, emotional level, I just want to be proved wrong. I have no faith in people, I have no faith in love. But I want to be proved wrong.
God help me.
Oh wait, I don't believe in God that way, either.
Looks like all I got is the Holy Trinity of me, myself, and I.
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